Emotionally Immature Parents: Signs, Long-Term Effects, and How Therapy Can Help
What Is an Emotionally Immature Parent?
An emotionally immature parent (EIP) is a parent who struggles to consistently respond to their child’s emotional needs with empathy, stability, and emotional regulation. Dr. Lindsay Gibson wrote the famous book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. If you suspect you grew up with an emotionally immature parent, this is one of the best books you can read.
Many adults aren’t aware their parent is emotionally immature until they seek therapy for anxiety, depression or other symptoms. Through therapy people realize their childhood was not as normal as they thought it was. Emotionally immaturity is a spectrum. Some emotionally immature parents are able to self-reflect and respond in a mature way and some, unfortunately, can not. At the end of the day, watching a grown adult have a temper tantrum isn’t something anyone wants to be around.
Common Characteristics of Emotionally Immature Parents
- Egocentric & self-referential (all roads lead to them)
- Poor self-reflection (childlike, can’t observe self)
- Low empathy
- No accountability
- Mental Immaturity: Black and white thinking, rigid
- They withdraw love if things don’t go their way
- You are not allowed emotional autonomy
- Fear emotional intimacy (trauma, attachment issues)
- Their needs come first
- Jealous
- You are not allowed to set a boundary, they don’t respect boundaries
- Your viewpoint doesn’t matter or is ridiculous
- Everything is an emergency
- No relationship repair
Types of Emotionally Immature Parents
According to Dr. Gibson, there are four types of emotionally immature parents, and you may recognize your parent in one or more of these categories. Importantly, some adult parents go on to do their own healing and personal growth, so they may be very different today than they were when you were a child. However, because much of our sense of self and our view of the world develops during childhood, the emotional impact of growing up with an emotionally immature parent can continue into adulthood, even if your parent has changed.
- Emotional: outbursts, volatile, mood swings, can be abusive, you walk on eggshells
- Driven: perfectionistic, stay busy, controlling, improve, wants to teach but no warmth
- Rejecting: stay away from me, critical or dismissive, leave me alone, stop bothering me, cold
- Passive (can be “good” parent): friendly, avoids conflict, doesn’t intervene when necessary, fun but won’t protect you
How Growing Up with Emotionally Immature Parents Can Affect You as an Adult
Growing up with an emotionally immature parent can affect many areas of your life well into adulthood. While every person’s experience is different, these early relationships often shape how you see yourself, relate to others, and respond to stress. As children, we adapt in amazing ways to survive our environment and fit into our family systems. The very strategies that once helped us feel safe or connected can later contribute to:
- Perfectionism
- People-pleasing
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Chronic Pain & Chronic Illness
- Guilt
- Difficulty trusting yourself or others
- Nervous system dysregulation
- Fear of conflict
- Low self worth
- Feeling responsible for others
- Complex trauma
If these patterns sound familiar, therapy can help you understand how early experiences have shaped you today- and support you in creating lasting change.
How Therapy Can Help Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
The adult children of emotionally immature parents that go to therapy are what Dr. Gibson calls Internalizers. Basically, they’re people with the traits discussed above: low self-worth, self-blaming, yet are empathetic and self-reflective. Often in a family system, when parents are EIPs, the children turn out to be Internalizers (the ones who go to therapy as adults) or Externalizers. Externalizers are children that as adults also become emotionally immature people: blames others, impulsive, emotionally reactive.
But overall, therapy can help in many ways. Therapy can support you in finding out – it was never your fault. At our therapy office in Ventura, we use neuroscience-informed and experiential therapies to update old emotional patterns so you can develop healthier relationships, stronger boundaries, greater self-compassion, and a nervous system that feels safer and more regulated.
Additionally, because growing up with an EIP can cause complex trauma, we use a variety of trauma therapies that can help.
Tips For Co-Existing with an Emotionally Immature Parent
One of the most healing shifts can be realizing that much of an emotionally immature parent’s behavior is driven by automatic, unconscious patterns rather than anything about you. While this doesn’t excuse the impact of their behavior, it can help you stop taking it so personally. Often, they are reacting from their own unresolved past, not to who you truly are.
- Learn to set healthy boundaries
- Ask- What is the reality?
- Give yourself time to think: “Let me think about that.”
- Can you still be OK if they are mad or upset?
- Stay connected with yourself adult self
- Try just for a successful interaction, not a healed relationship
- Stepping back and observing. This puts you in adult thinking brain, instead of child emotional brain.
- Notice when you’re falling into old roles, such as the caretaker, peacekeeper, or “good child.”
- Practice self-compassion.
- Limit your exposure & dependency, if needed
- Set limits on topics: gently, firmly and repetitively
- Pick your battles wisely
- Understand that they may never change, but you can
FAQ
Can emotionally immature parents change?
Yes. But it’s important to understand their limitations. Some EIPs can self reflect, apologize, hear what you are stating. Some may even be up for family therapy. A good sign is when a EIP attends their own therapy.
Are emotionally immature parents all narcissists?
No. While emotionally immature parents and people with narcissistic traits can share some similarities—such as being self-focused, defensive, or lacking empathy—not all emotionally immature parents are narcissists. Emotional immaturity exists on a spectrum, and many emotionally immature parents are capable of love and care but lack the emotional skills to consistently meet their child’s needs. Understanding this can provide helpful context, but it doesn’t lessen the impact their behavior may have had on you.
Reach Out- Work With A Therapist in Ventura, California
Offering therapy for adults of emotionally immature parents in person in Ventura, California (near Santa Barbara, Oxnard, Ojai, Camarillo, Thousand Oaks). We also see clients online all over California. If you need more info, reach out for a 20-minute complementary phone call for any questions you may have. We look forwarding to hopefully supporting you.